


The Box

by jhsdhalr



Category: Torchwood
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-16
Updated: 2013-10-16
Packaged: 2017-12-29 14:28:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,597
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1006503
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jhsdhalr/pseuds/jhsdhalr
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Gwen disobeys an order with unfortunate results. This is crack and not really for Gwen fans.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Box

"Now" said Jack firmly, ''this is a VERY dangerous artifact and I DON'T want ANYONE to go near it once I've locked it away in this box, understand?"

"Why can't we go near it?'' asked Gwen, scowling slightly ''YOU'RE holding it!"

''I TOLD you" Jack snapped "it's very dangerous.''

''Why do you get to deal with it then?'' Gwen moaned.

"I know how to deal with it, you don't'' Jack explained, and carefully placed the round green object inside a metal box. He closed the box, locked it and put the key alongside the box in one of his desk drawers.

''What exactly can it do, then?'' asked Tosh, as they left Jack's office.

''You wouldn't believe me if I told you'' Jack sighed.

Gwen was irritated. "Anyone would think we were idiots'' she complained to Owen, following him as he went down to his Lab.

''Some of us BEHAVE like idiots'' Owen mumbled.

''WHAT?" Gwen shouted, still following him.

''Gwen" Owen said patiently ''unless you want to help me do an autopsy on a Weevil that exploded I suggest you go and do something somewhere else.''

Gwen scowled and stamped off. Owen sighed with relief. ''Peace, perfect peace'' he said to himself as he looked at the crushed Weevil remains on his table, ''great, mashed Weevil here we come.''

Downstairs in Jack's hole, Jack and Ianto were sitting on the bed kissing. Ianto wasn't in the mood, however.

''She'll touch it'' he complained ''I know she will.''

''Course she will'' said Jack cheerfully.

''Why did you let her know where you were putting it then?" Ianto asked ''you purposely got her interested. Why don't you just get rid of her anyway?"

''You know perfectly well why'' said Jack ''it took me ages to find her and I HAVE to keep an eye on her until she has the baby.''

''When she's 40'' Ianto moaned.

''I have to keep her and Rhys together until she has the baby'' Jack sighed ''and she can't be retconned, so the safest place for her is here.''

''No-one in their right mind would ever believe that she's your Grandmother'' Ianto muttered.

''You believe it'' Jack pointed out.

''Hmm'' Ianto murmured ''and trying to convince people that Rhys invented time travel wouldn't be easy either'' he added and laughed.

''I know it sounds weird but in MY time he's famous'' said Jack ''we have STATUES of him.''

''So why are you encouraging her to touch this thing--whatever it is?'' Ianto asked.

''She needs to learn a lesson'' Jack said ''and the effect isn't permanent, after all.''

''What DOES it do anyway?" Ianto asked.

''Oh well-----'' Jack started to laugh ''you'll soon see--.''

Upstairs in Jack's office Gwen was, even as Jack and Ianto discussed her, breaking into Jack's desk. Dealing with petty criminals had taught her a few useful skills, she thought, as the drawer sprang open. She grabbed hold of the box and eyed it greedily. ''I'll show them'' she muttered to herself as, ignoring the key completely, she expertly broke into the box. There, inside, lay the object of her desires, a round green stone like thing. She grasped it firmly in her hands and held it up to the light. It had an eerie glow. Then, as she looked at it, she realized she could see something actually inside the stone. ''Oh'' she said aloud ''it looks just like a Slug, a brown Slug.''

It did too.

Half an hour later, Jack went into his office and found the desk broken into. The open box lay on top of the desk. It was empty and there was no sign of the stone. There was, however, a large brown Slug sitting, or rather slumped, in his chair behind the desk.

''ARE YOU GOING TO JUST STAND THERE GAWPING'' the Slug shouted at him in Gwen's voice ''OR ARE YOU GOING TO GET ME OUT OF HERE!!!"

"I TOLD you NOT to touch that artifact, Gwen'' said Jack firmly to the Slug.

''I didn't KNOW it would turn me into a SLUG'' moaned Slug Gwen ''did I?''

''I told you it was dangerous'' Jack continued ''no-one else broke into my desk to touch it--only you.''

''It isn't my fault'' whined the Slug ''you should have told us it would be dangerous-----er---well----you should have said what it would do---"

''It affects everyone differently'' Jack explained carefully ''it all depends what you see when you look into the stone.''

''Why did I see a Slug then?'' Slug Gwen complained.

''How should I know?'' Jack muttered ''perhaps you have a THING for Slugs-----perhaps you were a Slug in another life----anyhow--you have to make the best of it--don't you?"

''I can't go home looking like this'' Slug Gwen almost cried.

''They say love is blind" Jack remarked.

''NOT THAT BLIND!" Slug Gwen shouted, trying to stand up and falling flat on her face-------er-----whatever. She slithered across the floor, leaving a trail of slime behind her, moaning all the way.

''I hope you intend to clean this up" Jack called after her as she slid out of his office. All he heard in reply was a torrent of swearing in Welsh. He grinned and was about to sit down in his chair when he noticed it was covered in slime. ''When Gwen cocks up we all suffer'' he said to himself as he went to find Ianto.

Sometime later, just as Jack and Ianto were getting down to what Jack called some serious hard work, which, in this case, involved them removing all their clothing, a loud scream from above disturbed them.

''I TOLD you we should have waited until they'd all gone home'' Ianto complained.

''I thought they were busy--" Jack muttered, sitting up and trying to extricate himself from Ianto with difficulty.

''Just ignore it'' Ianto suggested.

At that inopportune moment, the Hatch to Jack's hole opened and Tosh's head appeared in the gap. ''There's a gigantic Slug sitting on the sofa and it says it's Gwen'' she shrieked in uncharacteristic panic.

''It is Gwen'' Jack told her calmly.

''How on Earth?'' Tosh exclaimed.

''She touched the thing I told her not to touch'' Jack sighed.

Tosh promptly lowered herself through the Hatch and landed up on Ianto's bare knees. ''She would'' she groaned ''what are we going to do about it then?''

''Nothing'' Jack said ''it only lasts a couple of days.''

''Does Gwen KNOW that?'' asked Tosh.

''No'' said Ianto and Jack together and they all laughed.

''Why don't you tell her it wears off?" asked Tosh when they had stopped laughing.

''Because she needs to learn to OBEY'' said Jack ''she NEVER obeys. She never has. I say something and she either argues that she knows a better way of doing it because she's so much more Human and Emotional and Sensitive than the rest of us, or she says nothing and just goes off and does what she likes. She needs to learn that she's not always right and that she's not the only one here with feelings."

''Sometimes she IS right'' said Tosh quietly.

''Everyone's right sometimes'' Jack muttered ''but anyhow, I'm in charge and I have a hell of a lot more experience of Aliens and Invasions and Wars than she does.''

Tosh sighed. ''She's leaving slime everywhere'' she complained.

''When she turns human again we'll get her to clean it up'' said Jack and they all laughed again.

From up above there was some shouting and more swearing and then the Hatch opened and Owen came plummeting downwards, landing on top of Jack, who wasn't pleased. ''OWEN!" he shouted, pushing Owen away with a scowl ''YOU HAVE SHARP ELBOWS!''

''Serves you right for skulking down here naked'' said Owen with a smug grin ''anyway, there's a Slug up there that says it's Gwen and it's leaving Slime EVERYWHERE!''

''It is Gwen and it'll wear off in a couple of days'' Jack explained yet again.

''So'' said Tosh carefully ''we have two days of Gwen sliding all over the Hub swearing and leaving trails of Slime behind her.''

''That's about it'' said Jack, grinning.

''I think I'll go home until she changes back'' said Tosh.

''Me too'' said Owen ''I hate Slugs. My Mother used to drown them in beer.''

''My Mother puts salt on them'' Ianto murmured.

''Slug pellets anyone?'' said Jack still grinning, and grabbing hold of Ianto he ignored the close proximity of Tosh and Owen and gave him a kiss.

Owen gave Tosh an interested look and winked. She flushed slightly. ''I think'' Owen said slowly ''we'll just stay down here for a while until she calms down.''

Up above, a Large Brown Slug had managed to open the Hub's Refrigerator. Inside were several jugs of Beer that Owen was using for an experiment to see how much beer a Weevil could drink before it became too drunk to stand up. O.K., it wasn't exactly an important experiment but Owen was was bored when he thought of it.

''I could do with a drink'' Slug Gwen said aloud to herself, so she leaned inside the refrigerator and managed to get her mouth inside one of the jugs. After about two minutes the jug fell over, knocked into the other jugs knocking them over too and the beer spilled out over the floor and all over Slug Gwen.

''Oh well'' she thought as she watched the Beer running all over the floor ''in for a penny....'' and she began to drink------

 

THE END.


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